How To Get Laid

By Jon Murray and The Bar Slut

What’s that statistic, again? Guys think about sex 90% of the time? If that’s right, I can assure you the other 10% of the time, they’re thinking about HOW to get it. And so I learned, the same is true for women. I always thought women had it made when they wanted to get laid. However, The Bar Slut tells me it’s just as much of a struggle. Look how packed bars are on the weekends. It’s our basic human instinct to have sex and yet, somehow we’ve turned it into a difficult game, much like Trivial Pursuit or the Rubik’s Cube. In order to get both perspectives, I have teamed up with The Bar Slut to create a list with male and female tips to help you fornicate. It’s all about the give and take.

(NOTE : All of the Bar Slut’s comments are shown in black and in all capital letters.)

Dudes: they’re yours if you just play it cool.

Lower Your Standards: This is the fundamental problem with the dating game. Most people have the diluted concept that they’re going to pick up some dream guy or girl and have sex like wild dogs. The truth is, the hotties are probably out of your league. Hey! I’m just telling you what your friends are afraid to say. If you drop your standards down to someone who’s barely attractive, you’re probably going to score. Trust me. It may not be pretty in the morning, but it’s a start.

THEN AGAIN, LADIES, WE’VE BEEN DOING THIS ALL ALONG. WE KNOW WE CAN GET SOME PEENIE AT ANY TIME, ANY PLACE… IT JUST DEPENDS HOW LOW WE’LL SLUM IT. I SURELY HOPE BENNIFER HAS TAUGHT US A LESSON. CHEAP GIRLS CAN GET MEN WITH MONEY AND STATUS. LIKE THE NAVY, (I LOVE MY SEAMEN) AIM HIGH… QUALITY MEN LOVE SNATCH JUST AS MUCH AS THE REST OF THEM.

Go Crazy: We all have that person in our group of friends who’s just a little off. They’ve got stories of 69ing with a paraplegic swim team and surprisingly, they aren’t ashamed to tell you about them. These people can sometimes be good. If you’re willing to take the physical and emotional abuse of the wacko, bring it on. I remember a girl in college who my buddy hooked up with one night. Later on in the year, around Valentine’s Day, she showed up drunk and puking on his doorstep at 3 in the morning. Not a fun thing to deal with, but he got some nookie.

I AM THAT CRAZY PERSON IN THE GROUP OF FRIENDS. GRANTED, I MAY NOT BE A PARAPLEGIC, BUT IT GOT THAT COLLEGE BOY TO SLEEP WITH ME. THE TRUTH HURTS- IF YOU’RE THE TOKEN SLUT, NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN URBAN LEGEND, PEOPLE ACTUALLY SEEK YOU OUT FOR BACHELOR PARTIES AND SEVEN YEAR ANNIVERSARIES. TRUST ME, BEING INFAMOUSLY SLUTTY IS ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE.

Drinks: I’LL GO FIRST ON THIS ONE, SINCE THIS IS A TOPIC THAT I KNOW MORE THAN A LITTLE ABOUT. THERE’S A REASON I’M NOT JUST “THE SLUT”, BUT INSTEAD “THE BAR SLUT”. I NEED THE ALCOHOL FOR MY SUPER HUMAN POWERS. I’M NOT A WHORE WHEN SOBER. DON’T JUDGE. BUT KIDS, THE DRINKY DRINK WORKS WONDERS. I SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW SUIT.

Sometimes it helps your chances if you toss a couple back because you become a little more relaxed. And sometimes it helps if the person you’re hitting on is wasted because then you can take advantage of them. Either way, drinks are a tool. Just don’t go overboard. Remember that Adam Sandler movie “Overboard”? Exactly, it sucked. Make sure you’re equally as drunk

Surefire way to make sure that you don't over-do it.

Lie: People love talking to interesting people. So become one! Tell people you’re a racecar driver or a professional diamond thief or that you’re South American Royalty. But, have some credentials. Go to Staples and have some business cards printed or have your buddy boot in and call you “Your Highness”.

NOW HERE I AGREE 100 PERCENT! I HAVE BEEN A RELATOR, A TRAVEL WRITER, HECK, I’VE EVEN GONE SO FAR TO ACT INTERESTED IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL… ANYTHING THEY MAY WANT. I’LL SAY I’M BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT IF IT GETS YOU IN BED (SURE-FIRE WINNER)

Act Gay: Nothing drops a woman’s defense like saying “I’m on your team!” Women trust gay guys. But once again, make sure you don’t over do it. Take on an accent but don’t do a lisp. Give yourself a limp wrist, but don’t talk about having sex with guys. If they get a wiff that you’re faking, you’re dead in your loafers. Replace sports conversations with Broadway Shows and if they talk about TV just say you love “Trading Spaces.” There’s a chance the girl will say to herself, “maybe I can change him”.

OR CHASE AFTER THE GAY MEN? WHY NOT? I LIKES ME A LITTLE CHALLENGE. MAYBE HE JUST HASN’T FOUND A COOCHIE AS DIVINE AS YOURS.

Screw your wingman, has he ever really gotten you laid? Take our advice for a spin and make sure to write the B Slut if our advice helped you. Just remember to keep your mouth shut unless you’re positive you’re going to say something witty or funny. Be mysterious and confident but not sketchy and cocky. Well, hopefully this will help you on your next mission into the jungle of love and if you’re lucky, you might get lucky.

Wait. Maybe you are following this advice. n/m.

who the fuck are you

btw, way to be original in copying things that about 50 other people have tried to use already

I'm the guy who's joke you plagiarized.

EDITED

Come on, Felon. That's even over the line for NWP.

-B

omg felon, instaban

none of these are funny but good job guys keep trying

My god.....the IRONY.....