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A K-FONE WHODUNIT?


The Case of St. Scalir's Fire
by Dan Druff



It started out as a quiet evening in Newhall. As night fell on December 20th, 1998, various conference callers descended upon the apartment of Vicky (2844). They were all set to attend an invitation-only party that was to turn out to be a real heater (literally!) The party started out normally enough (for conference standards, that is).

Jeff Canoga (1032) appeared with his usual sidekick, Amy from North Hollywood (2483), and recently-active-again Richard (1101) tagged along.

Jerry the Animal (3126)was present, as were Pokey (????), Harvey the Hornblower (Spin's Line) and Pokey's two young sons (fortunately for them, not conference callers yet).

Todd the Impostor/ Brent from Torrance (3016) arrived with his long-time girlfriend (and now wife?) Domino (2107).

Even with this festive group joining Vicky and Don from Pasadena (2731) for turkey, stuffing, chips, M&Ms, and Don's Famous Guacamole Dip (staight from his Avocado Ranch), something was still missing. A conference party simply isn't a party without its perennial clown, Ken Scalir (1069). This dire need was taken care of by Lynn from Woodland Hills(1008), who generously picked up transportation-challenged Ken, and brought him to the location of the festivities.

As the evening passed, various semi-noteworthy events occurred:

Jeff Canoga randomly and unabashedly pulled out his penis at various times during the party, much to the supposed disgust of Ken "I Swear, I'm Straight" Scalir. This prompted all future revelations of Jeff's not-so-private-anymore area to be directed towards Ken specifically.
Aaron from North Hollywood (3006) showed up about 2 hours into the party, much to the delight of Jeff, who nearly knocked him over when he ran to greet him.
Domino, who insisted that Ken owed her money for a car-cleaning bill, took Ken's wallet (with the help of various other conference callers), and confis.cated $15. This prompted Ken to throw a tantrum, screaming and hitting himself in the head repeatedly.

When all was said and done (after the party was over), Ken's $15 was returned to him. However, a look through Ken's wallet revealed various pictures of teenage girls (fully clothed), which Ken said that he bought from a girl at work for purposes of "material" (figure it out for yourself). This prompted a disgusted Amy from North Hollywood (2483), who has recently been a subject of Ken's interest, to call him a "pedophile".
Andrea Dice (3005) and Jackie Fishbowl (1055), who were both invited to the party, did not show up.
Todd/Brent, noticing a striking similarity in the culinary offerings to those usually presented on Thanksgiving, questioned Don about the food's date-of-origin, and surreptitiously looked for signs of "freezer burn".
Richard sat mysteriously quiet throughout most of the party.
K-fone was called at various times throughout the evening, and various portions of the party, including Ken's tantrum, were recorded in the Anonymous Room.

In the spirit of the tradition of "Toilet Paper Brides", Todd wrapped Ken with a roll of toilet paper, apparently with Ken's permission, while Ken went on jabbering to everyone about politics. This led to the very controversial event which will be talked about on Conference for as long as parties are held (and probably after that, too).

Someone, who will be labeled "Mystery Person A", set the the toilet paper wrapped around Ken on fire, much to the shock of nearby Todd, who put out the small flame within 2 seconds. After telling Mystery Person A that setting toilet paper on fire, while it's attached to a human (and near a Christmas tree, no less) "isn't a good idea", Todd turned his back after Person A promised not to set any more fires.
However, Person A's actions ignited the pyromanical desires of another party-attendee. This individual, who will be known as Mystery Person B, set the lower (and less densely wrapped) portion of Ken's toilet paper on fire, which immediately caught and spread to the rest of the toilet paper on Ken. A startled Ken jumped up (as if he had just heard that Gray Davis is really gay), with the toilet paper attached to him flaming increasingly outof control.
This is when the night's hero, Richard, sprung into action. Richard, who was of few words the whole evening, smothered the fire with his hands and put Ken out. A few stray pieces of toilet paper fell onto Vicky's carpet, which were quickly extinguished, but apparently still managed to cause some small burns. No conference callers (or anyone else) were harmed by the fire, which may be proof that Charles Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theories are quite incorrect.


"Mystery Person A" and "Mystery Person B" will not be named in this article. Instead, each party attendee will be listed, along with their possible motivations for setting the fire, reasons why their guilt would be believable, and their best defense against the accusations. Since Person A's fire was minor and unspectacular in nature, we will solely focus on the identity of Person B. Since it is a known fact that no conference caller is innocent, all partygoers will be considered suspects. Here they are, in no particular order:

NAME: Jeff Canoga Park


POSSIBLE MOTIVATIONS: Perhaps angry that Ken refused to look at his penis. Frequently complains about rectal bleeding, itching, and burning, and possibly wanted Ken to feel an equal or greater amout of rectal burning.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: As he admits to numerous K-Fone callers in daily pages, he's got problems and needs a lot of help.
BEST DEFENSE: With Ken gone, Jeff would no longer have anyone on K-Fone to point to as an example of someone weirder than him.

NAME: Don from Pasadena
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Ken turned down his Famous Guacamole Dip earlier in the party. Needed to "exterminate" him for chances of the product's success.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Don seemed to walk outside at various times during the night, possibly to speak with his alien contacts. Burning Ken to death for refusing Guacamole Dip sounds like an alien's sort of suggestion.
BEST DEFENSE: Lucrative distribution opportunity for Famous Guacamole Dip would be lost if the Dip was found to be a motivational factor in an attempted murder.

NAME: Vicky from Santa Clarita
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Ken's earlier tantrum was possibly going to lead to neighbors' complaints and a subsequent eviction. Perhaps figured that burning Ken and her place down at the same time would be the perfect revenge against Ken and the landlord.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Vicky is beyond conventional suspicion, being that it was her property that was at risk from the fire. Could be "the perfect crime of the century".
BEST DEFENSE: All-destructive fire would cause Vicky's security deposit to be confis.cated.


NAME: Brent from Torrance/Todd theImpostor
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Might secretly hate the city of Newhall for being the city where two ex-girlfriends lived during his failed relationships with them in the early '90s. Perhaps started the fire in the hopes that the dry, windy conditions that night would have taken care of the entire town.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Todd could have set both fires. The first, which Todd was seen to have put out, would validate his "anti-fire" rhetoric, and would leave him free of suspicion of setting the big fire.
BEST DEFENSE: If Todd was caught, this incident would give something concrete for Larry to repetitively bash him about in Room 5 for the next 10 years. It's unlikely that Todd (or anyone else for that matter) feels like hearing "Oh, Todd, you pillow-biting pyromaniac" every 20 minutes until December, 2008.


NAME: Domino
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Might have heard, "Come on, just give me the $15 back" one too many times and snapped.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: To this date, an estimated 107 people have committed suicide from the frustration of speaking to Ken during his aggravating telemarketing calls. It is reasonable that Domino could have been similarly affected with temporary insanity after being subjected to Ken's loud, repetitive requests.
BEST DEFENSE: Ken supposedly owes Domino more than $15. If she burned him to death, she'd never collect the remainder.

NAME: Pokey
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Perhaps wanted to demonstrate to her children why "playing with fire is bad".
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Such a demonstration would require a very "expendable" person. Ken fits that bill.
BEST DEFENSE: Did not leave her seat during the entire party. Could claim that her legs fell asleep by 10:30 (when the fire occurred), and was physically unable to move to Ken to start the fire.

NAME:Harvey the Hornblower
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Being a Spin's Line caller, perhaps has a secret plan to exterminate all K-Foners. Ken might have been the first victim of this Master Spin Race plan.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Despite attending nearly all K-Fone functions, Harvey never applies for a code on K-Fone. Why does he attend?
BEST DEFENSE: If Harvey was really doing Spin's dirty work, he'd be shooting people from a motorcycle, not setting them on fire. (See "No Sanctuary: The Death of Anita Green" for more details).

NAME: Amy from North Hollywood
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Perhaps figured that, if she doesn't take action now, her picture would be the next to end up in Ken's wallet for "material" purposes.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Amy has expressed the desire to be an Undertaker. Ken could be her first "customer".
BEST DEFENSE: Being a strong opponent of drinking, drugs, and smoking, Amy would be the least likely person to have a lighter or other incindiary device on her.


Name: Jerry the Animal
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Likely annoyed with Ken's posts in Room 16 (The Computer Room). Is secretly afraid that Ken knows more about computers than he does, despite the fact that Ken only has an electric typewriter.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Has been mysteriously quiet on K-Fone since the fire incident.
BEST DEFENSE: Is always mysteriously quiet on K-Fone, with the notable exception of a few very odd "Spiderman" messages in Room 15.


Name: Richard
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Tired of being low-key, Richard perhaps wanted to play the part of "hero" by setting the fire and then subsequently extinguishing it.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Richard shares a first name with Richard Jewell, the Atlanta Olympics security guard who was accused of planting the bombs that he helped discover and alert police to.
BEST DEFENSE: Jewell turned out to be innocent.

Name: Ken Scalir
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: If you were Ken Scalir, wouldn't you have set yourself aflame a long time ago?
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Ken has a strong need to be the center of attention. Before the fire, he was most definitely being upstaged by Jeff's penis.
BEST DEFENSE: Would have no ability to annoy and get a reaction out of people when 6 feet under.

NAME: Aaron from North Hollywood
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: None necessary. Aaron's random journey through life requires no motivational factors.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Could easily get himself out of trouble if Ken were to have gotten hurt or killed by pleading insanity.
BEST DEFENSE: With those loud, bright-purple gloves Aaron was wearing, he'd have no way to surreptitiously do anything unnoticed.

NAME: Pokey's two children (Nicholas and David)
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Perhaps feared that they would grow up to be like Ken. Decided that it was better for their childhood if "role models" like him were destroyed.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: No one under the age of 10 has ever been charged with arson or murder in the state of California.
BEST DEFENSE: "Ken was trying to give us 'bad touches'"

NAME: Lynn from Woodland Hills
POSSIBLE MOTIVATION: Ken's noticable odor obviously was stuck in Lynn's car. Lynn might not have wanted to worsen things by having to drive him back.
WHY IT'S BELIEVABLE: Lynn conveniently slipped out the door after the party -- and did NOT drive Ken home. (That task ended up being delegated to Jeff, whose car obviously has an odor of its own.)
BEST DEFENSE: If he really didn't want to drive Ken home, he could have gotten away with the old "I'm going out for some fresh air" trick, and wouldn't have had to resort to attempted murder by fire.


While it's not entirely clear who started the Ken-B-Q, one thing has become perfectly clear. There is one extremely guilty party among those mentioned above. That individual would be Vicky, who is guilty of gross stupidity -- in actually believing that a dozen conference callers could actually assemble peacefully in her home, and not cause any damage!
We sincerely hope that Vicky has learned her lesson, and will, in the future, decide to attend parties at OTHER people's homes, and perhaps start fires of her own.

Remember... if it ain't yours, it ain't no problem!

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