Well, another month has passed and I am still grinding away at the tables, both the virtual ones and "brick and mortar" ones. Its kind of funny so many players, especially older ones refer to almost all non-virtual/online buildings as B&M. More specifically where I play poker, as they are formerly riverboats that are now barges, and I think the only bricks I have ever seen are the ones dealt on the river.

Speaking of bricks being dealt, I have been running incredibly well. Variance is such a funny thing. It is the reason why super talented players can get action with no handicaps against much weaker opposition. It is also the reason why so many of us have to keep a steady supply of "mice" nearby.

I am in one of those rare stretches where most everything has gone my way from the variance standpoint. I have won more than my fair share of the big "flips" and even hit a one outer on the river in a set over set hand, which was the second largest pot I have ever played.

Back 5 years ago or so I would have thought this good run I have been on was due to my incredible play and I was finally running like I should. Now however, I know that is far from the case. Poker can be so brutal. I am trying to really soak in how fortunate I have run, as when the cards start going the other way, I can think back to how lucky I was and realize the beats really do even out.

In playing so much more live lately, I have been chatting with a lot of players at the table. It is amazing how many of them are out of work. Not just seasonal workers, but very seasoned professionals. I actually have empathy for these displaced workers, and yet I am not thrilled with the fact that so many of them are losing players, yet are trying to make ends meet with a -EV game.

From a personal standpoint, I like the fact that I can make money off of below average players, but if I knew that pot was the difference between them being able to make or not make a mortgage/rent payment, I would almost rather lose the pot. I am aware nobody is placing a gun to their head to play, but at the same time I am a compassionate person and do not like to see people who have fallen on hard times, compounding their struggle in an almost no win situation.

In between hands, I was thinking with so many people currently unemployed, and turning to gambling/poker as a last resort, is this how it was during the Wild West days? Many of the towns would offer very few employment opportunites, yet there would seem to be so many casinos, and often they were packed. Back in those days, the most popular game spread in the casinos was called "Faro". I believe this is the game that Kurt Russell (Wyatt Earp) was dealing in the movie Tombstone. Ultimately, the game if dealt fairly (big if, as so much cheating went on then) really didnt offer much edge to the house, and ultimately was eliminated.

I highly doubt that anytime soon Texas Hold em will fall into obscurity like Faro did, but there does seem to be a push to spread some different games, such as PLO and a mixed game rotation. And with online, a hot new game could emerge out of nowhere, and 100 years from now they will be talking about how most people played Texas Hold em!

This is my first blog ever, so here it goes. I have been playing poker relatively serious since 2002, but the characterizing the amount of time playing would certainly be that of a recreational player. I was in the mortgage industry working at a bank for the past 15 years. However, my bank was seized by the FDIC, and it was time for me to move on. While working in mortgages, I always fantasized what it would be like to play poker for a living. Well, thanks to the FDIC, I now had some time on my hands to go after this pursuit guilt free.

I first started in poker back in 2002 playing limit, as that is all our casino spread. They offered $5-$10 and $10-$20. I remember buying into the $5-$10 with a $100, and thought that was an awful lot of money. I would glance over at the $10-$20 game, with guys sitting with 1k+, and think they were incredibly rich, tremendous players, or both. The first live session I played, I lost about $300, but was completely hooked. At work the next few days, all I could think about was that damn game, and how I wanted to go back.

Additionally, I would also go to the local charity events, which offered SNG's. They were usually $33 and $55 ones. I remember the first one I played, we were down to 4 players, and I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I just could not control the adrenaline rush. I literally thought I might pass out, and thought to myself, "I am not cut out for this, I just want this to be over and I dont know if I want to play these anymore"!

Fast forward to 2005, and my nerves were certainly "hardening up". I was playing online limit, usually $30-$60, and occasionally as high as $100-$200, SNGs for $215, and NL $25-$50. I was a winning player, but I believe in retrospect that was mostly due to the games being much, much softer than they are presently.

Every year my game was improving, and each year I learned just how much I didnt know previously, and just how complicated poker really is.

I played in some pretty big home games in Chicago in early 2009, and although my preferred game is limit, these games were strictly NL, but these games were juicy, and I had an open standing invitation to these games. This basically meant that if I ran just average, I was going to be in a good position to make a lot of money. The limits for these games were usually $10-$20, with no cap. Some players would have as little as 1k, and some would have 50k!. I was usually one of the more average stacks with about 5k.

Although I did very well in the home games, I was always a little nervous when playing in them. I didnt like the fact that I was never 100% sure if I was being cheated, nor if the game was going to be robbed, raided by the police, or if I was always going to get out of those games safely with that much money in my pocket.

Fortunately, I was never part of a robbery or raiding, although a few of the games I played in were robbed last summer during the WSOP when I was in Vegas, and subsequently I have not played in a home game since. Being a husband and parent, I just do not feel the reward is high enough for the risk.

So, in October 2009, I was out of work and was going to play poker full time. I played both online and live. Online, I would play limit, between $5-$10, up to $50-100. As long as they were full ring, I would play as high as I could. I attempted to multi table, yet my results were not overly impressive, and decided I would stick with just one table at a time.

My online results baffle me. I am up 2+ BB/100 at $30-$60, am up close to that amount at $50-$100, yet get my ass kicked as $5-$10 and $10-$20. However live, my win rate is much higher at the lower stakes, and thins out each stake I move up. This is how it should be I would suspect, so as far as online and results, I will just chalk that up to odd, and move on.

I have been playing about 50 hours a week live, mostly NL, as that is what games are spread, and seems to be the game of choice for the fish. It is amazing the difference it is being able to play with a clear head, and not worry about checking your v/m every 15 minutes worrying you might miss an important business call. I used to chuckle that Stu Ungar never wore a watch, because frankly he didnt care what time it was. He did whatever he wanted to, whenever he wanted. Ah, the freedom poker can afford one.

I have realized a few things. For starters, I love poker. I remember reading if you want to play poker full time, you must love it, I mean really love it. Well, I do. I think about it all the time when I am not playing, and it totally consumes my thoughts. I cannot get enough of it.

I also realize I hate poker. When not playing, I think about wanting to play, however while playing, I often think to myself, "wtf am I doing here"? It is, 11:00 in the morning on a Wednesday, and I am sitting at a table with a bunch of miserable, unshaven, barely hygenic people waiting to see what 3 cards are going to be spread. Is this really what I want to be doing for the next year, 5 years, 20 years??! Often, during one of those grueling sessions where nothing is going right, I wish I had never been introduced to poker, and wish I didnt like it so much.

I have also realized I dont get excited to play anymore. In 2002, when I used to play live only once a week, on Saturday morning, I could barely sleep Friday night. I would be there right when the casino opened at 9:30 am, and would play until 3:00 am. After playing for 17 hours straight, I would often forget where I would park, and would get in the routine of leaving myself a v.m. where I parked to avoid wandering around like a zombie trying to remember where my car was!

That excited feeling is gone. As is the "nervous" feeling during big pots. No more of the heart beating out of my chest. When all the money goes in, and we are standing over the table waiting for a card or two to be turned, I really dont feel anything. I almost expect to lose, am semi-surprised when I dont, and just sit back down and either rebuy or stack my chips and play the next hand. Kind of sad, but that is the way it is for me now.

Coming from a commissioned job, I was used to the uncertainty of what I would make for the week, month, year, etc. However, I never really lost money at work. Some deals might not have closed, and I missed out on that commission, but never did my net worth decrease after being at work all day.

I have also realized I have a pretty big tolerance for losses, and the "average" non-poker playing person simply cannot relate. At one time, losing $40 in a home game seemed like a lot for most of me and my friends, and on a bad day I am on the wrong side of a few thousand. I once mentioned to my brother in law I lost a little over 3 the night before, and he asked, $300, and I said, no $3000, and his wife heard this, and said something like, "you lost how much"? She said it in one of those, I am completely shocked, disbelief, and semi-disgusted tones.

Last month, while playing in a really tough $5-$10 NL game, there was this "kid" to my left that was just a total pain in my ass. This little shit, wearing his hoodie and i-pod, kept three betting me everytime I raised light. And when he wasnt 3 betting me, he kept flatting my c/b's on the flop, and coming over the top of me on the turn. I really hated this fucker. I hated what he was doing, but I also hated the fact that he was probably a better poker player than me, particularly with having position.

I played only 1 tournament after the series last year, and that was a $215 WCOOP limit event. I dont like tournaments, but my friend and I had a "last outs" bet with each other that was more than the buy in, so I gave it a shot. There was 1248 players, and Chris Moneymaker was at my table for about 3 hours. That was the first time I had ever played at the same table as a ME winner. I ran well, and was chip leader with 12 players to go. Two bad hands later I was out, and so was the chance to win 48k. I really thought I was going to win it. However, not once did I think about what I could buy with 48k. Most people would think, I could buy a nice watch, new tv, or even a car, hell you could buy 2 cars!

Not me, all I thought of was if I were to win, I would have enough in my account to play in some really big games, and make a serious run at st1ckman and the others. Dont know if that is a good or bad way to think. Would have to venture however, it is not the way most people think.

I have also realized, that no matter how much I want it, I am not ever going to be Dwan or Ivey. The closest I will ever come to Bobby's room is watching them through the glass windows. and that is ok. At this point, it is unclear if by the end of this year, I will be spending most Wednesdays slumped over a table with slot machines ringing in the background, or in some office working for the man. Either way, I have loved and hated every moment of my little journey in the crazy world of being a professional poker player.