2014 journalism follows Jeopardy! rules in that you must always state your hypothesis in the form of a question. My first thought was to title this story “Damn! It looks like Jay Newmun did dat sticky-stick dirt!” but that doesn’t follow convention, and boy you fuckers love you some convention.
So here is an article reporting that a thread on two plus two states that Jay Newmun, our very own WhoJedi, was caught stealing poker tips from a jar with a sticky chopstick and a coat for cover.
Yes that’s right a sticky chopstick. I have a video coming soon where I will attempt to re-create the act. I feel at this time it’s best to theorize and pontificate wildly so we can come up with the most outrageous scenarios to define a range. It’s science, really.
There is a sub-story here, believe it or not. It appears Pokerfuse is the only “real” poker media site to report on this earth-shaking news of a chopstick-based theft. Only Pokerfuse? Somewhere in that giant 2+2 thread the nerds start to claim hipsterism of the poker media, maybe not a “cover-up” but certainly accusations of “no-report” are phrased differently many times. Apparently this lead to not only an argument on Jess Welman’s facebook where she BLOCKS ALLEN KESSLER FROM HER FEED, but also KEVMATH BLOCKING KESSLER ON TWITTER. Oh you heard me right: Kevmath blocked Kessler on twitter. I mean get your fucking popcorn out, call that fly shorty that just like to drink, put 1 in the air, watch movies and shit, and load up this latest epic dramabomb in online poker. I’ll be on the edge of my fucking seat, I promise.
Point is that it really looks like WhoJedi did that shit. With a fucking chopstick. And we all “sort of knew” him, but was anyone “really that close?” and of course those are bad definitions, so I improperly used quotes because fuck convention, and most of you know what I mean. I’ll bet Joe Navarro could dial it in better for us, and personally I’m hoping it’s a huge drug problem / I’m getting help / I’m really a nice guy instead of what may be an “I cannot afford Christmas materialism display time, might as well steal from the families of these fine card-pitchers” Either way I want to see the video of the chopsticking. FYI the @WhoJedi account has been silent since this broke. It appears Foxwoods has the video. Show us the fucking video.
Lol sticky-chopstick. RIP WhoJedi